A Clifton Hill resident made the most of the first sunny, windless day of September yesterday, setting off on a ride along Yarra Boulevard with what witnesses describe as "genuine excitement" and what could more accurately be described as a bike in pristine, barely-used condition — the kind of aspirational purchase that spends most of the year leaning quietly against a hallway wall.
The ride began strongly. Conditions were, by all local standards, perfect — no wind, clear skies through Studley Park, a rare stretch of road untouched by the usual Melbourne crosswind that treats cyclists as a personal challenge. The cyclist reportedly made it a few hundred metres along the boulevard's bike lane before something in his expression shifted.
"I heard it before I felt it," he said, standing beside the bike a short time later, inspecting the back tyre with the concerned expression of someone who owns a pump but has never used it. "Just a hiss. Then a very flat, very final feeling." A subsequent inspection revealed a screw, embedded neatly in the tread, apparently lying in wait somewhere in the bike lane.
The bike, expensive, well cared for, and not ridden nearly as often as its condition would suggest, was not carrying a spare tube, a puncture repair kit, or any tool more advanced than a set of keys. A phone call to a friend for advice reportedly began with the words "so, hypothetically," and ended with the friend suggesting he simply walk it home.
He did.
The walk, undertaken in cycling shoes not designed for walking, covered several kilometres back to Clifton Hill and took, by his own estimate, "significantly longer than the ride would have," a fact he found "genuinely quite insulting" given how well the day had started.
"I had real momentum going," he said. "In every sense. Physical and emotional."
At time of publication, the bike remained propped against the cyclist's hallway wall in an unrepaired state, the puncture repair kit had been added to an online cart and not yet purchased, and the cyclist confirmed he would "definitely" be better prepared next time, a claim that could not be independently verified.